A recovered dive computer

On Wednesday (16/7) morning, the dive center owner called my hubby to tell him that a diver had recovered his dive computer at around 5 meters deep under the sea at Rubiah, Pulau Weh.  Another miracle. Or it felt like miracle to me although the item was lost due to recklesness.

Anyhow, I am truly impressed by the divers’ honesty. The dive computer, a Suunto D9, cost around US$1,500 when he bought it. Anyone who spotted it for the first time could just grab it from between the coral reefs where it landed and pocket it for him/herself.  That’s why when he told me that the divers at the dive center would find it, I was rather skeptical whether the founder would actually return it to him. But the reality speaks for itself. And the divers’ integrity deserves my admiration.

Things we can’t replace

Gosh … it’s been four months since I posted my last story!

I wrapped up my scuba diving course on Sunday (14/7) morning … after three “real” dives at Gapang beach in Pulau Weh, Indonesia. Learning scuba diving is like going from the starting point zero to infinity. I get some theoretical and lots of practical knowledge, something that I can use over and over again. Once we know the how-to, we are on the course of moving forward to where-ever we want to take ourselves to, possibly to perfection. For me that’s the beauty of practical skills.  

My loving hubby took me for my first open water dive at Rubiah Sea Garden on the same island. We toured a beautiful garden some 13 meters underwater, accompanied by hordes of amazing creatures that were swimming peacefully, undisturbed by our presence. We stopped here and there by the colorful coral reefs that have been living there in solitude for million of years, unruffled by the wrath of tsunami four years back, and interrupted few fishes that made the corals their homes. These were the settings that I could only see in marine expedition documentary or  recreational aquarium and … yeah, I was there! As I was floating in limbo underwater — err, I’m an amateur scuba diver on her maiden open water diving trip, remember? — I tried to convince myself over and over again that I dived with my dearest one! This is also one of his ambition, him an advanced diver exploring the underwater world with his wife!

It was also a memorable trip for a particular reason: He lost his valuable dive computer! He came back with a small “search and recovery” team but there was no luck this time. He even lost his glasses, blown away to nowhere by the wind gust!

A few instant before he dropped his computer underwater, he was showing his rookie diver-cum-wife how to remove the buoyancy compensator device. I was not really a fast learner on this type of sports, I previously had a bad experience with it. He felt something fell down but he wasn’t aware until we drifted away and parked near a rock waiting for the boat to pick us up. He came back to the area where we descended, but couldn’t find anything. He came back on another boat trip with some locals, but also no luck. A Malaysian diver said, “he is really a persistent man!”. Yes, and I’m really proud of him just by being him. And I spent the evening enjoying his abundant love, at the cost of his dive computer and glasses.

We woke up early Monday to catch the van that would take us to the seaport. We saw an early riser who was contemplating the sunrise over the Indian Ocean. We met an old Spanish man who expressed his regret on hubby’s lost and said a few wise word before he left us for a yoga exercise on the beach, “Remember, this is a thing that can be replaced.” And my hubby continued with his gentle smile, “yes, while people aren’t replacable.” 

The search continues as we left Pulau Weh on Monday. The dive center owner offered a “search and recovery” mission on a discounted price. The owner also reminded him not to push me to learn the sport and that I should progress at my own pace, not his. Or he risks hurting or losing me for diving without precautions.

It is an honor to me for the chances to know these warm-hearted and caring people who make this water sport the love of their lives. They are as miraculous as the rainbow that I saw on the misty Monday morning from my boat.

The ring

It’s almost 3 a.m. on Monday (3/3) but my eyes do not want to close. I am totally overwhelmed by surprise, joy and disbelief. These feelings will not go so soon so I decided to freeze this moment in a writing. 

“Dear, I did something special for both of us,” he said last night over the phone after a brief introduction about dinner that bloated his tummy. “What is that?” I asked curiously, anticipating a flurry exchange of kind loving words and plenty of mwah-mwahs. 

“I bought us the ring,” he said.

I was numb. I did not laugh or shout or cry or whatever things that might happen to any women who encountered this kind of situation. I was not prepared. I never thought that it was really getting serious.

“Are you really serious about it?” I asked. “If I’m not serious, I won’t buy the wedding rings,” he replied. “Makes sense,” I told myself quietly, still did not know how to respond.

He continued to describe how beautiful the rings were — a pair of rings which are adorned with precious stones. I did not understand why a ring with a bunch of bling-bling instead of plain gold bands that we could wear even in the bandit lair.

“It’s a wedding ring,” he said. “But whatever it is made of, the most important is the ring that binds our heart,” he added with his adorable tone that always sparked the womanhood in me.

He said that initially he wanted to keep this news as a later surprise for me … but he was all too excited …! And ha! I heard something on the other side of the phone: “Did you drop something just now, Honey?” I asked and caught him red-handed …

The chats were interrupted shortly by his sneeze — “This room is very dusty,” he said of his bedroom in his old family home, where he spent a few years of soul-searching before we met in 2007.

He bought the rings after visiting some jewellery shops with uncle and auntie, his dearest relatives, while they were dining out on Sunday night. He said it was uncle who discovered the ring.

“Mine is size 22. I hope the one for you will fit your finger. I have tried it on auntie’s and the salesgirl’s fingers,” he said. I sensed a tinge of excitement in his voice.

Then we talked about how I should inform my family and friends about it. And I asked whether ten years from now we would still be kissing and hugging each other. Or whether we would transform into some kind of monsters after we exchanged vow.

I spent more than an hour of long-distance call just to say how I missed him — while holding back tears so I would not disturb his mind balance – and to update each other about today’s life. Following the phone conversation, I tried to make sense of the whole situation. I returned to my tablet PC and browsed the Internet for free games … but still in a state of shock and disbelief.

Only hours later that I began to focus on what I wanted to understand — on him and on the rings. Suddenly I felt so close to him. There was nothing between us and we could actually see and hold each other without caution and anxiety. We know each other. We own each other. We are naked and vulnerable yet we are comfortable with each other. How happy I am to realize that finally I belong to someone who I can fully trust. I am so overwhelmed by joy that my tears start to trickle.

It’s past three a.m. now and I’ll try to sleep. But I am still numbed by the profound realization of how the twist and turn of life have brought me this far …

The cycle of hatred

Recently saw “The Kingdom” on DVD. An action-packed movie which ends with a disturbing message on hatred and violence that is oh-so-true.

 

Photo credit: www.thekingdommovie.com

Towards the quarter part of the movie, we were almost convinced that it only confirmed the popular notion that the Arabs were the bad guys to the Americans. The Saudis in military outfit instigated an attack at an oil company compound in Riyadh and killed hundreds of civilians, and an FBI agent. The agent’s colleagues went to Saudi Arabia to investigate … and to sort of taking revenge when opportunity arises.

The first encounter between the FBI agents and the Saudi military was marred by cultural clashes. The Saudis made their intention clear, that they were assigned to safeguard the Americans while they were on the Saudi ground, and not particularly to help them with the investigation. This conflict was resolved when both Special Agent Ronald Fleury (Jamie Foxx) asked Col. al-Ghazi (Ashraf Barhom) his first name and initiated a friendship. We already know almost from the beginning, after his officer was tortured during a questioning, that this Arab man was different from the majority of his kind – he’s got a heart. And so he became another target for killing, besides the four agents.

Half way to the movie, the FBI agent seems to take control over the situation and thus begin the Hollywood-style action that includes intense car chase on a crowded highway, chain collision, explosion followed by gunfire exchanges, kidnapping followed by videotapping but – thank God – the FBI came in the nik of time to save one American life before it was wasted…

At the end of the heated fight in the Suweidi neighborhood, while there were enormous casualties on the Saudi’s side including our friend — the colonel – all the FBI agents were safe with only minor bruises here and there! We could not stop wondering why the scriptwriter put it that way — would it affect the box office rank and the movie rating if one FBI agent was killed?

In the beginning scene before the attack at the oil compound, a man with covered face was seen waiting for the action to start. A boy was with him at the height of a rooftop and the man handed him the telescope to view what happened next in the compound. Then he saw the American boys were shot by attackers in Saudi military outfit and killed in a suicide bombing that ensued. Throughout the movie we saw Saudi boys and teenagers helping in the bomb making and killing people. That is quite disturbing — someone is telling us that their killer instincts were honed and the seed of hatred was sown since the early age.

A chilling message wraps up the movie: that Fleury promised Janet Mayes (Jennifer Garner) that they’ll kill ‘em all for killing another FBI agent and the elder Saudi bomb maker whispering to his grandson amidst his last breath, that they’re going to kill them all.

And the cycle of hatred thus begin.

However, the movie did not address the question of the rootcause of the cycle – it merely points out to the massive oil exploration in the Middle East. There was no scene that tells us the director’s idea why oil mining in the Middle East fueled the cycle of hatred — he just went straight to the attack to US civilians and suicide bombings as the Arab’s ways to show opposition towards the mining. At the end of the day, the movie revolves around the fight-of-the-good-vs-evil theme with a missing piece of important information. 

Loneliness (part I)

My day starts out as a teary beginning. He leaves me again for home — our home. I purposely stay at the current place for a while to take care of other matters.

“Dear”, as he calls me. “You are always in my heart,” he says. No farewell, just a temporary good-bye. He’s right on the money. He says I have to adjust myself to this situation where his works demanding him to leave me for some time, sometimes. That’s the reality — at least for now.

Back from the office when the sun is almost set. I find myself alone in this big house, whose life has gone with him. I am so devastated. So many problems in the office, so many things to settle. I refuse to let them go. I break down and cry. I lost my optimism. I feel like someone has taken away my soul — someone with whom I did the small, ordinary things in life everyday — cooking lunch, preparing dinner, eating ice creams, watching two horny male fish going after a nonchalant female fish for mating, sharing the funny facts about fart then laughing loud at it and so on and so on …

I tell him later on the phone that I feel so lonely because we used to do things together and now I am on my own. He then gives a lot of instruction to keep me busy, to push me towards the reality while at the same time they pull me out of my center of gravity: my ego. While I give him headache. I store whatever he says in my memory bank, waiting for my optimism to grow again before I start another journey. Gradually I realize that I am so tired. I have been stretched to my limit today. And that’s no point to move forward only to bang my head to the wall over and over again.

It’s time to take the rest. Tomorrow is another day.

Valentine’s Day

 Why do I write about Valentine’s Day on the V-Day?

They say this is the day when we celebrate love, but should we celebrate love every second of our life? They say it is the day when we show our love, but should we show our love in every other day too?

I stop believing in Love on Valentine’s Day a long time ago. But since then I have learned more about mutual love that promote self-growth and empathy towards others.

Today, he left me for two-day out-of-town official mission. During breakfast I told him that I was going to miss him. “It’s only one day trip,” he said. “Two days,” I made the correction. He didn’t dare to look directly at me and instead he rushed to pull up his socks, put on his shoes and went out to wait for the office car to pick him up. He never got in again and left me alone munching the dumplings that we made the night before for dinner. Oh, he thought I was going to cry …

A few hours later, he sent me several loving text messages with lots of kisses splattered on my mobile phone screen. I was touched. Last week when I was going to leave him for another out-of-town official mission, I told him several times that I was gonna miss him. He was preparing our lunch at that time … but when I arrived to pick up my luggages the meal was not cooked yet. I felt my heart melted in seconds like blocks of chocolate on the boiling hot pan; my hunger was eaten alive by a huge wave of compassion and love towards this mortal creature with a golden heart. I thought I shed tears and I said again I was going to miss him — and he told me to go without saying other words. He never, never wants to see the tears in my eyes. I know, I know … he left me alone with my breakfast this morning because he did not dare to see the tears.

I always cry when I bid goodbye to people –  those who have left deep impressions in me. I cried when I had to leave my late grandma in Bandung, West Java, to return to Jakarta. I cried when one of my auntie left for Australia to seek the fortune. I cried when my housemate’s wife was about to leave us and went back to Europe. And I cried when I was about to stay alone without him, even for only one day!

There is a brief moment when the grey matter of mine would send the alert about the situation of a particular person, and it is during that brief moment that I usually decide my response. A lot of people come and go out of my life, but only a very *lucky* few stay in my heart. These few people are no angel; they are people who show good intentions towards other in many things they do. These few people are no devils; they are mortals who make mistakes here and there. But for whatever they have done to me and to others, I can see and feel that they are driven by love and enthusiasm, either towards themselves or others. It is understandable that self-love, in its most positive sense, is essential for personal growth. If we never understand how to love ourselves, how could we love other people or teach them to love? We cannot give or share something that we don’t have, can we?

And at the end of that critical moment, when I was alerted that I would be separated from this particular person, I felt like I was left in a long dark tunnel. Someone was snatched away from me and I was powerless to get him/her back. The perpetrator, call it circumstance, is merciless. I feel a hollow in my heart. My response was crying.

I miss him at this moment. Yet I believe this *temporary* hollow feeling in my heart is necessary.  It gives me time to enjoy the present moment. The passing minutes in solitude is the perfect time to assemble the pieces of loving memory about him. The present moment gives ample opportunity to rake up my brain and sort out some issues in our relationships. It gives the time to forgive and to forget. It gives time to move on with life.

That is my story. Happy Valentine’s Day to those who love to love. 

The golden corn

Last week, I went to a facial treatment center in one of the biggest shopping mall in Jakarta. The therapist said that the treatment would last about 2.5 hours at the maximum but I ended up spending about 3.5 hours in the small treatment room with lots of gadgets to improve our appearance, and a huge photo of a senior Indonesian female singer whose youthful skin has become a legend – despite the fact that she is pushing 70s.

In the middle of the treatment I felt so sleepy but I could not fall into a deep sleep. A strange vision/illusion/impression, or whatever you like to call the visual impression, often appears when I am hanging between the conscious and the sleep state. It is like a lucid dream, yet I have control over what I do in the dream, to some extent. Below is the story that I got when I was drowsy, while the therapist was doing my face …

I was walking very fast in a huge cornfield into one direction and I did not know the end of the track at that time. I felt the wind blowing strong from my back and led the leaves to dance under the cloudy day. Suddenly I spotted something on the ground — a golden corn. I was not a greedy person by nature *ehm* but I heard myself told me to take the golden corn with me. The corn was solid so I could not peel off the skin. I continued my walk and arrived at the end of the field, and saw a huge city shrouded in mist on the further end. I had to go there.

Immediately the scene changed and I found myself waiting on something that resembled a riverside. I could not see my surrounding clearly because it was totally engulfed in thick white mist. A few seconds later I saw him approaching on a raft. He asked me to come aboard. I got on the raft believing that we were heading to the same direction. I asked him whether he had a compass to guide us because we could not see anything in front of us, only the heavily clouded space. He assured me he knew the way forward.

We sailed the river and suddenly I was aware that there was a waterfall in front of us. We had to turn back. But we could not. So we fell down to the abyss …  but a few meters down I said I knew the way up. I saw the stairs appearing from the point we were at that time and led to the other side of the waterfall. We held hands and climbed the stairs. Strangely enough, he could not see them that he had to depend on my guidance this time. We arrived at the other end, safe and sound. We didn’t even get wet from the water! I remembered seeing the golden corn falling with the raft, and my mind was suddenly filled with lots of questions as to its role throughout the dream. Anyway, I could not get a direct answer at that time.

We saw this huge city on the mountain slope in front of us, the city that I saw before from the cornfield. It was a crowded city with houses in red roofs and rounded walls that bathed in the golden sunrays. It was quite far from where we stood but we immediately knew it was our destination. I told him that we needed to slow down this time and waited until the right time to go. So we sat there together, enjoying the passing moment until it’s our call to enter the city. We did not know when the time comes, we are still waiting for it.

A new tablet PC

These days I’ve been playing with a new toy: HP Pavilion tx1316au Tablet PC!

 

My original plan was to get rid of my old Toshiba Tecra 9100 (model PT910L-004HU), who had been a great companion when I studied in Singapore. It was a gift from my aunties that also showed their supports to my undertaking. When I bought it in 2002, it was the best model available in the market at that time, at the student’s price of around S$3,200. The Tecra 9100 was not sold in my home country Indonesia, a Toshiba sales officer in Jakarta said when I asked about purchasing an extended warranty.

Last year after I downloaded a series of updates from Microsoft website, the laptop suddenly lost its sound. I tried to reinstall the driver, got the computer experts to check on the volume control, the device manager – where it said no sound and audio devices were detected although the driver was listed – and the BIOS but to no avail. Finally I read in some online computer forums that the weak sound connector was Tecra 9100’s major shortcoming. I wished I knew it long long time ago… The Wi-Fi was not working too. Apparently, I was not alone the only Tecra owner who get this problem.

I tried painstakingly to find the online customer service on Toshiba website but this function is strangely not functioning. I sent emails several times to their PC Support address in Singapore but I never receive any response, not even one that says ”We cannot deliver your message … the address is not listed anywhere…”. I called the Toshiba service center in KL but they only opened during the weekdays and I am not available on the days. Sigh. So I took the PC to a regular computer shop offering repair service and after two weeks they gave up. I am not a techie but as I understand it, they said they had to change the audio chip but they did not want to do it because the chip was located on the same board with other important chips. The same computer shop owner finally agreed to buy my old Tecra for RM500, saying “it’s a good machine …” but he said he would pay RM1,000 if the notebook worked properly. Whatever.

Defying all these troubles, I still plan to buy a Toshiba – the ultraportable Portege model. But while we were strolling around Low Yat Plaza, an IT center in Kuala Lumpur, a couple of weeks ago, we found this interesting machine, the HP Pavilion Tablet PC. I was quite confused at that time as to which laptop I should buy or whether I needed a new notebook; it was him who mentioned about the Tablet PC. He was attracted to its touch screen. And we saw a demo at another shop where the sales rep rotated the screen of the Tablet PC so we could read like a book. He fell in love in an instance with this machine because he said he could read newspapers in various position, unlike on a normal laptop. Of course I didn’t see it like that until later. And anyway, I’ve got a good experience with HP service in the past with my HP Pocket PC, so I decided to give it a try.

I bought the tablet PC from an authorized reseller at a slightly lower price than the other computer shops offered, and got these extras: an HP carrying case, an optical mouse, the RAM upgrade from 1 GB to 2 GB and a notebook cooling pad. The last item was new to me — but I knew that laptop heat up fast so this pad might be helpful. I later used the Tablet PC with the cooling pad on my lap and thankfully no single inch of my skin was burned. But on the right side of the tablet PC we could feel the heat blown out through the vent.

The Windows Vista has a fresh and clean look, but the look itself drains the power. The battery lasted for about two hours of non-stop Internet browsing and I wished it could last longer for extensive mobile use. I like the Windows sidebar where we can put lots of gadgets including the RSS feed. The graphic is reasonable but the laptop sometimes freeze or become slower when I ran several programs at the same time.

The weigh is my main consideration when purchasing a notebook. This laptop weighs at less than 2 kilograms as advertised but it could be lighter when the optical disc drive and the batteries are removed. With a lightweight machine, reading and writing are more fun as well as full of surprise. The wireless network devices (can also use WWAN and WLAN Mini Cards) enables us to connect from any wireless internet points.

Unfortunately, Microsoft does not provide the Office application for free. A 60-day trial version of Office 2007 is pre-installed and then you have to buy the Office application for future use. We bought the Office 2007 for Home and Students which include the Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint and OneNote in one package. I thought it is good enough to do regular office works and presentation and of course, to write. This application is only valid for 3 homeusers.

Specifications: 

• Processor: AMD Athlon 64 X2 Dual-Core Processor TK-55 1.80 GHz
• OS: Windows Vista Home Premium (pre-installed)
• Standard memory: 1024 MB DDR2 667 MHz
• Hard Disk Drive: 150 GB SATA
• Optical Disc Drive (detachable): Lightscribe Super Multi DVD-RW
• Memory card slot: 5-in-1 integrated Digital Media Readers
• Modem: High speed 56K modem
• Network interface: Integrated 10/100/1000 Gigabit Ethernet LAN
• Wireless technology: 802.11 a/b/g WLAN
• Infrared and Bluetooth wireless networking
• External I/O ports: 3 USB 2.0 ports, 1 BGA port, 1 RJ11 modem connector, 1 RJ45 ethernet connector, S-video TV out, Expansion Port 3, Stereo Headphone out, Integrated Stereo microphones, Microphone in, Audio-out (headphone) S/PDIF jack, External monitor port, Integrated fingerprint reader, security cable slot, external WWAN antenna connector
• Expansion slots: One ExpressCard/34 slot
• Display size: 12.1 WXGA High-Definition HP Bright View Widescreen Display with Inegrated Pen Input optimized
• Display resolution: 1280×800
• Video Adapter: NVIDIA GeForce Go 6150
• Control Panel: HP QuickPlay media player software and menu controls, music and DVD buttons.
• Remote control: HP Mini Remote Control
• Internal audio: 3D Sound Blaster Pro compatible sound 16 bit integrated
• Speakers and microphone: Altec Lansing speakers
• Keyboard: 101 keys
• Pointing device: Touch Pad with on/off button and dedicated vertical scroll up/down pad, volume control, mute buttons, 3 Quick Launch buttons, touch screen (selected models only)
• Power supply type: 65 W AC Power Adapter
• Webcam: HP Pavilion WebCam with integrated microphone
• 1-year International Warranty

What’s in a kiss?

Last night (7/2), I witnessed the most beautiful and courageous act of love: a mother kissed her son.

True, it is an ordinary show of love between a mother and her child. But it made me reflecting on such thing that I have done on natural instinct to love and to show it to my lover. The mother and son are Australian colleague of mine. She landed a quick kiss on the son’s right temple that transmitted a deep and heartening message: that the son is the most precious treasure she ever has … and a strong warning not to ever try to take that lucky boy away from mommy!

A few hours later I told him what I saw and what I heard. We love kissing and hugging each other every morning and every night and every other time and we are so used to it like breathing. Such simple acts of love make us longing for each other every time we are apart. Even a short time of separation makes us feel so lonely and longing for each other company. ”When people are in love they will kiss and hug,” he said. I am also enchanted by the fact that there is almost no difference between mother and her children and between lovers when they show they love each other. Am I doing such thing to him because of my nature of motherhood? Or because of the social norm which dictates our way of showing love to each other? Or because I watch too many romantic movies?

There should be more answers to the questions that I can ever provide. But for the romantic movies, I assure you that I can still use one hand only to count the numbers!

In my home country in Indonesia, the public display of the act of love like kissing, hugging or cuddling is discouraged due to the social norm which is an amalgam of religious values, the personal worldview and the genius loci. I also wasn’t brought up with this particular habit. The public display of the act of love is a “Western” thing and only those who are exposed to Western values will accept this and go on with it. Those who disagree with it may view kissing and hugging are all private matter. Having said this, we don’t really know how Indonesians show their love to each others except from the Indonesian movie scene *where two Indonesian men were seen kissing each other* and the more cheesy depiction in the electronic cinema (sinetron).  And why people do not show them in public is the matter of discretion.    

For me the most important is the effect of this act of love to the persons that give and those who take it. Particularly if done with sincerity and honesty, the effect can stretch beyond any human capacity can ever fulfil. It provides the groundwork on which we build our belief and our view of the world, and the courage to live the life that we choose ourselves. And if the positive impact outweighs the negative ones, why we deter ourselves from doing this?

The palm prints

We were lying naked in this big, dimly lit bedroom. No window was spotted around, just an extra king-size bed and some non-descript wall paintings. The room was surrounded by wooden wall and floor that felt warm and cozy. He told me he wanted to show me something. He sat on the floor in the lotus position and asked me to lie on my back in front of him, my feet stretching away from him. I closed my eyes and I heard him saying something. My eyes caught a bright light striking from my right side, like a bunch of light that hit a mirror causing a blinding reflection,  but I did not dare to see them. I did not feel anything though. Then he told me to open my eyes and the room had returned to the normal atmosphere.  The first thing that I saw was these palm prints either in maroon or black color on the ceiling, which was not made of woods like the other room elements. The prints kept adding in, but I did not see the palm owners. I did not feel scared but was completely calm.

Then I walked to another direction. I went to the toilet for a while. There were a series of toilets and bathroom like those in a public toilets in the village areas, with their walls painted in green. The restrooms used squatted toilets with small water reservoir on its side and water scoop. These bathroom and showers settings came to me sometime in other dreams.

I went out to return to the bedroom but I had to go through a kitchen. In front of me, a fridge opened but no one was there. I sensed something which pulled the fridge door open but I knew I could not stop walking. So at that time I decided to pass through whatever it was, and I was curious as to what would happened to me. I felt nothing when I walked passed the fridge. He was waiting for me on the bedroom further away from where I stood. Then I had to pass through another room that looked like a study room. There was a desk with yellow flowers in a vase. Something or someone was pulling the chair back on to the floor into a weird position — it was like sitting with our eyes facing the ceiling. At that minute I remembered the feeling when I was lying down and the light beamed onto my face. Nobody was in the room except me and him. I continued walking and joined him in the next room.

Then the screen went blank … but the palm prints stay in my thought. Whose palms are they?  And the most essential question is, what does the dream mean for me?

After I wake up –  about a few hours later — I spot red rashes on my arms and thighs. A bug sting on my back. Ah, skin allergy. There is the huge dark cloud hanging on my head, as I was quite anxious whether I will get my travel document back today from Jakarta or I will have to sacrifice one journey over another. “Everything will be okay,” I hear myself saying.

And everything is indeed going on well as the day progress!

Today is his birthday and I start our day by singing “Happy Birthday” to him and showering him with kiss kiss and lots of kisses. He says, “I wish that you will love me forever and ever,” immediately sending the tears down my eyes. 

Then I get my travel document back and we fix our vacation, all done before lunch time.

Well, life is truly like a wheel, circling up and down to bring pain and joy, only to those who recognize it as such… For those who do not: are you living your life? 

Screwing up my courage

After weeks of self-indoctrination with words of encouragement, I finally mustered up my courage and started a new initiative (at least it’s ”new” for me) yesterday.

I have planned to start something that I have never done before. I have no experience as event organizer but this work did not particularly fall into such category. As usual I was always haunted by the negative feelings and judgements like what if it didn’t work, what if things turned out ugly, etc … until I realized it is okay to take the advantages and disadvantages into the consideration as a way to anticipate the risks, the unfavorable as well as the favorable ones, as long as I do not submerged my head completely into the shit hole of desperation. The other thing that worried me was that I had to start out late from my own schedule because I had to wait for the chief’s approval for the event. This thing added into my headache and a couple of white nights. And I had the option to back off and found another thing to do but I somehow was certain that I had to do this because it would affect the following actions without me being able to explain how. Perhaps I could, it’s just I wanted to include the surprise element into my office life …. Alrighty, you win again, my gut feeling!

So I started out at the right day into the third week of January and got the chief’s approval and his commitment before he left the office for a trip. A miraculous act happened afterwards: I managed to stick to the schedule that I made. Schedule has always been a foreign land to me while procrastination is my guide …! Anyway, the invitation letters were sent out and phone calls were made in only one week. As for the figures and statistics, I got it only from one source in one go!

The D-day arrived. I was quite worry but I tried to keep myself composed, despite wearing all blacks the whole day (nothing to do with the national mourning week, though).  The guests arrived one by one, some were early while others late. The chief was enthusiastic and I could see that he’s good at disseminating information to the public — an extremely important and rare occassion to learn from him.  

It turned out well, so to speak. All I can say now at least to myself is that there’s nothing to worry about when initiating a new venture but my own false beliefs. My spirit is refreshed by this new realization and I am ready to take on more new challenges. At the end of the day,  it is better to start with one small step than doing nothing at all.

The morning bliss

I open my eyes slowly. The first light of the day peeps into the room from the dark-blue long curtain besides the bed. Your arms wrap tightly around me. You breath gently on to my ear, whispering warmth and affection while filling my senses with the joy that only love can bring.

Looking from the other side

I seem to always fill my life with anxiety. I spend most of my time worrying about things that barely happened in the real life.

Early in 2007 I went to a quiet place in northern Thailand where I learned to listen to myself.  These past few months, I became more and more anxious as I was aware that I am starting new ventures. I didn’t know which ways to start with and I was chickened out by everything that came to my mind. Whenever worries take over my common sense, I withdraw to this quiet place inside of me where I could hear the sound of the waves kissing the shore. Only then I would be able to look through the window to my soul. It was dark most of the time that I could hardly see anything. 

These past two weeks, I peered at the window again on a bright sunny day. My feet were covered with sand but I saw no water nearby. Only a sandy terrain and rows of coconut trees against the backdrop of a marine blue sky. As I was pondering the latest situation, I suddenly realized that most of the time my anxiety barely materialized into the solid facts. A couple of weeks ago I was worrying about something while on a weekend getaway and thus I could hardly enjoy anything that the moment offered. When the time came, however, whatever reality my mind had conceived did not happen. In fact, the situation ended up smoothly because I had done my part during the series of works involving a few other people. Oddly enough, I never worry about anything during a process and at the end of it. It often happens in the beginning.

And this weekend …?

Ah …. 

My mind is playing the same tricks again …!

The joyride

After more than half a month of anticipation, we finally arrived at the showroom  yesterday (18/01) to pick up the new car.  The four-wheel drive stood elegantly inside the room; its beige skin glowed without any slight blemish. We opened the doors and a heavy smell of leather broke through the crowd.

It is his new car after 12 years driving the same nostalgic-laden Proton sedan.  

We try out the new wheel today. We go to touch the cloud at Genting Highlands. From about 1,000 meter high onward, as shown on the altitude meter, we open the sunroof to let in the fresh air and see what’s up there to watch. We spend a few hours strolling around a plush hotel-cum-casino (”the hotel has more than 5,000 rooms and guests have to take the numbers when they are checking in.”), buy a few things (including a purple fleece jacket as I am not prepared for the cold weather!) and have a late lunch (or early dinner?). He says, “people might be surprise when they know we’re here for shopping and not gambling.” 

The car runs smoothly on the wet street after an afternoon downpour. The diesel engine is surprisingly quiet, allowing a comfortable lounge ambience when the radio car plays the easy listening sounds from a CD. The car slices through the flooded area without growling as we are sharing light stories and loving moments. We are as happy with this newcomer just as we welcome each other to our new life.   

The Beginning

   This is only the beginning.

I woke up one day in November 2007 with a soft whisper of this mantra. And why, another year was just about to go and a new one was coming in. The only difference this time is that I’d just got my appendix removed. I felt an eerie feeling of familiarity that someone whom I knew very well was gently prodding my back … to move forward … to make a huge leap to the unknown world beyond our horizon. Start new journeys. Explore the off-beaten tracks. Reveal the mystery of this universe. And meet the gods of the new world.  

This is only the beginning, I hear myself speaking. And the beginning starts here.